


Inside My Head

by sensualstalker



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Dissociation, Drug Use, Even's POV, F/M, Food Issues, M/M, Mania, Mental Health Issues, Multi, POV First Person, Recreational Drug Use, Season 3, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, first sight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-07 17:42:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11628603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sensualstalker/pseuds/sensualstalker
Summary: "I began the trek across the courtyard and I was really just trying not to trip over nothing with my lanky legs and that’s when something magic happened.The voices stopped.Only I didn’t really realize it because my heart had also stopped because I was looking at the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. It was the boy from the tram. And he was sitting up a railing, smiling."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. This is my first long chapter fic I'm writing for the fandom. I'm really nervous about this one because it is both very personal and very important to me to show Even's side of things. As someone who also suffers from mental illness, I wanted to use my feelings to write for Even as a way of coping for me and hopefully I've done justice for this character, even when the show couldn't. Any positive words would be appreciated! I'm going to be writing for all of season 3 and this chapter starts on the first day of school when Even sees Isak, but before that he talks about his time in hospital so PLEASE READ THE TAGS FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS, ALSO LOCATED IN THE END NOTES. Thanks so much, lots of love <3

“Insane,”  
Shut up.  
“Loser,”  
Shut up!  
“Untalented,”  
Just shut up.  
“Unlovable,”  
LEAVE ME ALONE!  
Silence.

I remember a lot of noise. And then I remember silence. It wasn’t scary, not like I thought it would be. It was just quiet. For the first time in a very long time. When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was and felt like I was five years old again in the hospital getting my tonsils out. Then I remembered that life had become a lot more complicated since then. I remembered I was a nutcase. I remembered shame. I remembered heartache. A fuck-ton of it.  
I was so tired. How am I this tired? Is death really this exhausting? Or just dying? I slept for a really long time. When I woke up after what they told me was days, they said I’d swallowed a lot of pills, I couldn’t even remember what, and gone to sleep. I’d remembered that. The only issue was that I was in my bedroom when it happened and there was no actual noise. Just the noise inside my head. The constant noise that had been in my head for weeks, maybe months, maybe since I’d tried to kiss my best friend and it resulted in utter and complete rejection. Why did I ever think he liked me back? I thought I could run miles and I think I did sometimes when I couldn’t sleep. I liked walking at night in the dark. It helped with the quiet. But after that, not even the walks helped. The thoughts were always there, mocking me, wearing me down.  
No one tells you what it’s like to survive a suicide attempt. But it’s a bitch. Not only do you feel like shit but everyone treats you like you’re a flight risk. All eyes on you all the time and it’s almost like when you’re playing tag and you’re it and the people around you flinch every time you even move slightly. They’re on edge because they don’t want to be “it”. They don’t want to be sick. It’s like the flu, don’t wanna catch the crazy but they also don’t want you to squeeze and spray intrusive thoughts all over you. So yeah not even being able to go to the bathroom by yourself sucks. Having your parents fear leaving you alone sucks. Hating looking at yourself in the mirror sucks. Wanting to die sucks, but at the time so did living. So hence taking the rest of the school year off and learning how to be a human again.  
Wake up.  
Meds.  
Shower.  
Clothes.  
Hair gel.  
Shoes.  
Backpack.  
Keys.  
Tram station.  
Today was my first day at Nissen. I was feeling five-years-old again. Starting new sometimes feels like you’re not the same person you were but really you are you but you just forget how you ever did this before. One foot in front of the other. That’s how I end up most places. That’s how I get lost most places. But getting my foot to make that first initially takes me a while. Can’t overthink it, just move.  
The ride there was calm enough. I resisted the urge to sprint back home and go back to bed as the doors opened in front of me. So that’s good. Step one, check. Back when I was at Bakka I’d normally grab a seat and sketch but I hadn’t been so keen on drawing these days. No inspiration. Laughter echoed from down the tram car and I looked up to find what looked to be students. I wondered if they went to Nissen too.  
I rubbed the bridge of my nose at the thought of having to make friends all over again. Another fit of laughter from the back. Well, they seemed like a fun bunch at least. And very beautiful. There were three of them, two boys and a girl. The girl had beautiful eyes and brown waves. She shoved the guy next to her when she laughed. He must be funny, his eyebrows rising in surprise every time he made her laugh. The other boy I couldn’t see apart from his shoulders and his snap back that bounced when I assumed he was laughing. Little curls spilled out from that hat of his. He was just turning as the tram stopped and I lost them in the chaos.  
But I found them again as a small crowd made its way to campus from the station. They walked closely in sync. Must be good friends, I thought, chuckling to myself. I’d started being happier recently. I was able to laugh at my dad’s jokes again and watch my favorite movies and not feel like I was wasting time watching the same movies over and over again. “If it makes you feel better, then do it.” My therapist had said. They made me feel like I was home sick from school again. But anything was better that how I felt before. It’s funny, every time I got to feeling better I wondered if I hadn’t just dreamed up all the bad. But the bad always comes back.  
As I wandered down the side walk and came up on a large courtyard, the lump in my throat started to become more of an issue. I breathed in and out. This was actually happening. In review, you tried to kill yourself because a boy didn’t like you back, meaning you have to spend an extra year in high school. Great. Let’s do this. Cue 80’s movie theme music.  
I began the trek across the courtyard and I was really just trying not to trip over nothing with my lanky legs and that’s when something magic happened.  
The voices stopped.  
Only I didn’t really realize it because my heart had also stopped because I was looking at the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. It was the boy from the tram. And he was sitting up a railing, smiling. I’d never seen such a perfect Cupid's bow lip and such long eyelashes. He and Eyebrows had separated from their laughing lady to meet up with another couple of guys. They were all smiles and greetings and clapping each other on the shoulder. Y’know how guys can’t hug each other but they can make these over the top displays of affection anyway. Toxic masculinity at its finest. One of the new dudes, grinning ear to ear, seemed to flash them something inside his back pack and got a reaction immediately, they all “ooohed” and cheered.  
Must have gotten some party supplies, I thought, smiling to myself. I stopped to pretend to look at my phone. I really just wanted an excuse to keep looking at that gorgeous face. I looked again. He wasn’t smiling anymore. His shoulders were slumped down more than before, his face had fallen and he looked exhausted. But as quickly as he was down, he was looking up again, smiling in agreement to something his friend’s had said. Okay, now I’m intrigued. What’s the mask for?  
My phone vibrated in my hand and I looked down.  
Sonja.  
There’s no way for me to describe Sonja without making me seem like a terrible, terrible person which is true on some part because I should have been strong enough to break up with her two years ago. But I wasn’t and then I got really bad so I just kind of let it be for the meantime. Sonja was my first kiss, my first fuck and my first love. I think I fell out of love with Sonja a long time ago. She’s always been a constant in my life and it doesn’t feel right to step out of her life when she would never feel right stepping out of mine. Only, now it feels like I can finally stand on my own but I can’t because she’s like a very kind, caring ball and chain weighing me down. It’s harsh but it’s just not the same.  
When I woke up, I didn’t expect her to be there. But she was. I was thankful too because she barely said anything, she just stayed with me and helped me around and put an extra pillow behind me not when I asked because I was terrified to but because she just knew that was what I needed in that moment. She was there for my parents and they were there for her. She’s like family. Only after my diagnosis she became more like caretaker and less like girlfriend. And while I did need the help getting back on my feet, I just don’t feel the same anymore. I think she knows. But I think we’re stuck on auto-pilot. That happens when you’ve been together this long.  
Text Message: Sonja <3   
Sonja: Have a good first day back! Love you xoxo  
Just as I was typing out a reply, my shoulder got shoved by some guy in the crowd moving into the building. I stumbled because I lack basic coordination. Instead of checking the time because hey, you’re gonna be late to class, my eyes shot up to the boy to make sure he hadn’t just seen that shit and to my relief and disappointment, he was gone. I sighed. But then I noticed the laughing lady had joined the boys in his place and she was talking to another beautiful girl with platinum blonde hair. She talked very animatedly and seemed to be on a mission, clipboard in hand. Must be the party busses. It always was. Do they allow basketcases who have to retake? I guess I’d find out. I was probably going to be approached about a hundred times today since I was an unfamiliar face. But I’d only be signing the form safely located in her arms. Because if she knew her, I bet she knew him. I looked back at my phone, curser blinking. I closed it without replying and bounced my back pack higher on my shoulder.

Here goes literally nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I stretched my legs out on to the table in front of me and fiddled with my pen as I let her talk. I looked up to see if the boy was still there when I smiled because he was already looking my way. He looked down quickly. Did I just catch him looking at me? My heart beat fast in my chest.  
> “We’re having our first meeting soon. Would you be interested in attending?”  
> She looked eagerly at me to see my decision. I smiled at her, thinking about how she would react if I told her I was only going to meet a cute boy that really I only assumed would be there. Better to just make her think she impressed me.  
> “I’d be delighted to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Just wanted to thank you for reading! Please feel free to leave feedback! I'm re-posting this chapter after finding some plot errors after watching the episode again more closely. Many chapters to come! Enjoy <3

It’d been a few days and school was actually going well. I’d found all of my classes and actually tolerated all my professors. Having to retake classes after having bailed halfway through wasn’t terrible because at least you looked smart when you knew most of the answers to questions the professor asked. Perks of surviving suicide #34.  
Despite my small hopes, I haven’t seen the boy and his friend’s since the first day. About a million people had approached me trying to get me to join their group but I was holding off until the laughing lady’s friend found me. I’d just walked into the cafeteria when a little brunette approached me and began to talk to me about her group. She said they were calling themselves Pepsi Max. Isn’t that a soft drink? I let her tell me all about it as I wandered through the lunch line. It didn’t seem like a bad group after all. They were out of cheese toasties. Damn. That’s all I’d been eating lately. Food was a struggle not because it wasn’t appealing, just because your stomach has to get used to life again too. I settled for a soda instead. I wandered back out into the dining area. On the first day I’d found a comfy spot near the back that was perfect for people watching.  
I sat down, letting her finish her speech and I thanked her profusely for talking my ear off and reassured her that I would definitely consider joining. It doesn’t feel bad to lie whenever I know I’m only doing it to spare someone’s feelings and in truth their bus had sounded very appealing and put together. But at this point, I plan on joining the laughing lady’s group even if their bus is just a bike with a boom box on it. I’ll settle if it means finding out what’s going on inside that beautiful boy’s head.  
I took my sketch book out of my book bag and thumbed through it. I’d been drawing more but still not as much as before. It felt like I was inspired again. I was starting to feel little ideas popping up in my head and it was coming naturally to me like they had all through my life. My therapist had recommended a new journal since my old one was littered with verses and drawings of my friends from Bakka. I’d picked up a new one. It was just a little leather bound one. It was green. Symbol for growth and personal protection. It’d made me think of vines of ivy growing inside my ribs. That was the first sketch on the first page, a ribcage of ivy with roots in the stomach. Since school started though it had become more like “The Faces of Nissen.” I was drawing fewer cartoons and more portraits, even if they were messy and flawed. Still beautiful. I looked up to scan the room for someone to draw when I spotted him.  
The boy and his mates were seated around one of the tables near the windows. They were laughing and talking as usual. I saw the boy’s face drop down again like before in thought. I looked down quickly. I didn’t want to get caught staring at someone sitting by myself for fear of looking like a lonely creep so I kept my face down, beginning to sketch. The beautiful blonde seemed to read my mind and she appeared in front of me like magic. Today she wore rather large black and white headband tied in a bow. She introduced herself as Vilde.  
“Halla!” she squeaked, extending her hand, “My name is Vilde,”  
“Even,” I said, giving her hand a gentle shake. She was so small but so confident.  
“I couldn’t help but overhear you tell that girl before you would consider joining her party bus. Can I tell you about the one I’m organizing? We’re calling it Kosegrouppa.  
“Yeah sure.” I said, going for casual even though I was going to say yes.  
I stretched my legs out on to the table in front of me and fiddled with my pen as I let her talk. I looked up to see if the boy was still there when I smiled because he was already looking my way. He looked down quickly. Did I just catch him looking at me? My heart beat fast in my chest.  
“We’re having our first meeting soon. Would you be interested in attending?”  
She looked eagerly at me to see my decision. I smiled at her, thinking about how she would react if I told her I was only going to meet a cute boy that really I only assumed would be there. Better to just make her think she impressed me.  
“I’d be delighted to.”  
Her smile was worth it. She told me that the sign in sheet was up in the hallway around the corner and she told me when the first meeting would be. I jotted it down in my phone calendar. I thanked her out loud and then again mentally, for letting me continue this hopeless romantic fantasy. I was thinking to myself how good the day was going when a friend of Vilde’s came up to join us. A mutual friend in fact.  
Triggers come at strange times and as Sana walked up to us, I felt a hundred different emotions collect in the pit of my stomach and they threatened to come up through my throat. I felt nauseas but I swallowed and told myself to get it together. I didn’t want to make a scene in front of Vilde and I didn’t want Sana to think there were any hard feelings between us.  
“Halla,” Sana said confidently, coming to stand beside Vilde.  
“Halla, Sana.” I responded with a smile.  
“You two know each other?” Vilde asked, looking between us.  
“Yeah,” Sana explained, “Even knows my…”  
She left it open for me and I appreciated it.  
“I know her older brother. I transferred from Bakka.”  
Keep it simple. Vilde nodded, “Oh okay.”  
Just then we were joined by another friend, the laughing lady who’d helped this coincidence happen.  
“Oh there you are, Eva. Come on, we should go talk to Jonas and the boys.”  
The laughing lady, now Eva simply smiled kindly at me and rolled her eyes.  
“Okay I’m going to the bathroom first. I’ll catch up with you.” She said to Vilde.  
Vilde nodded and began to head towards the boys. She stopped and waited for Sana to follow.  
I wondered vaguely if Jonas was the boy I’d become so fascinated with. Sana lingered and looked me up and down.  
“Looking for the crazy?” I joked, quietly out of ear range of Vilde.  
She laughed quietly. “It’s good to see you looking well.”  
“Thanks Sana.”  
She smiled and turned to follow Vilde.  
I watched them as they went up to the boys’ table. Their faces were hilariously both bored and stunned at the same time as they listened to Vilde give her speech. I smiled to myself, looking back down at my sketchbook in my hands. I’d started to draw the boy. I looked up a few times, continuing to draw with no real dedication. I scratched out a face shape and doodled a few curls but I didn’t think much of it. I glanced up again and saw that the girls, Eva having joined them now, were still keeping their attention. I couldn’t focus, I had too much on my mind.  
I collected my things to wander out to the vending machines. I punched in the number for a granola bar and unwrapped it as I walked down the hallway towards the sign-up sheets. At least now I knew some names and where to find this boy. I also now had at least two friends from my previously life, since Sana seemed to not hate me. One foot in front of the other, even if they’re small.  
\--  
My therapist is a wonderful woman. Her name is Dr. Pearson and she tries to teach me how to take care of myself. Since “The Event” as we call it, not because I’m afraid of the words “suicide attempt” but because somehow it makes it feel like less of an after school special and more of past mistake. I came to her with this dramatic need for storytelling and she let me get it all out and then shot back with of all things, humor. Learning to laugh about what happened made me feel better. Of course we did the whole go back through your life and figure out why you do all the things that you do, but we also just figured out that I have bipolar disorder and that makes life a little harder. In the end it was a solution of take your meds, don’t drink or smoke and don’t fall for your best friend. The last one was mostly a joke but honestly after what happened it might be a good idea for now.  
“Don’t you think you’re breaking your own rule?”  
“Our rule,” I insisted, “and rules are supposed to be broken.”  
“You’re avoiding the question. You’ve avoided all of my questions today so talk to me here. I feel like I’m not getting through.”  
I hadn’t answered any of her questions but only because I wasn’t sure of them myself. I sat up from where I was laying down on the couch.  
“The rule says don’t fall in love with your best friend. I don’t even know what his name is.”  
“Yeah but didn’t you say the only reason you joined is to find out?” she said with a smirk.  
“It’s a social event,” I insisted, “I’ll probably meet a lot of people there.”  
She squinted at me like she always does.  
“Okay, but be careful.”  
I didn’t want to admit that I was breaking a rule because it didn’t even mean anything yet. He was just the most beautiful person I’d ever seen and I’d rather know him than pin for him from afar. I know desperate. I’m trying to avoid that.  
“Was he really gorgeous?”  
I sighed and nodded, smiling.  
“What does Sonja think of you going to the meeting?”  
I looked at my hands.  
“I haven’t told her yet.”  
“Have you made any plans to end the relationship yet?”  
“No.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I don’t want to hurt her if I don’t have to.”  
Dr. Pearson looked at me for a moment before deciding what to say.  
“You know, you may be hurting her more by not telling her that you’re not in love with her anymore.”  
Mania and Depression have a cousin called Anxiety and she makes my heart race. Not in the good way. The thought of breaking up with Sonja scared me because she’s all I had left from life before I went off the deep end.  
“I can’t break up with Sonja. She’s the only friend I have left from Bakka.”  
“Have you tried to check to be sure of that?”  
I hadn’t talked to my friends since I deleted all my social media. After posting during a manic episode, I hadn’t really wanted to post ever again or stay around to see any more of what people had to say to me. The last messages I remember from the boys were asking me where I was and what was wrong and I just didn’t have the energy to tell them. I was also terrified.  
“No.” I answered.  
“Even, I think you really need to think about what you want and not think so much about what other’s think of you. If someone cares about you, they’ll want you to be happy too. You shouldn’t just strive to make others happy. You should just focus on what makes you happy.”  
“I know.” I did but it seemed apparently hard to make myself happy. Why couldn’t I just settle with a wonderful girlfriend, friends and parents? The last time I tried to do something for myself, I ended up more unhappy than ever. Unrequited feelings are a bitch of a thing.  
“Try to make yourself your first priority, okay?”  
Heard as: Don’t do anything stupid.  
“I’ll try,” I promised, with a small excuse for a smile on my face.  
“What do you think your brother would think?”  
“I think he would want us to stop asking this question.”  
Dr. Pearson gave me the look. The look that said we have to talk about this someday. That day was not today.  
“Okay, for now.” She said, smiling.  
That was our thing. It meant both “You’re okay for right now” during my episodes, “We’ll talk about this later then” and “time’s up” all in one handy phrase.  
“Okay for now.” I said, smiling back.  
“Have fun at the meeting, Even. Remember if you ever need anything, my wife Dr. Strange is the councilor at Nissen.”  
“I know. I’ll remember.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos always appreciated <3 xoxo


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I went to dry my hands I got the urge to just keep taking out paper towels. He stopped, watching me like the lunatic that I am. Impulse control isn’t one of the strong suits of this disorder. After the dispenser was empty, I looked up. I tried my best for dumbfounded, doing everything I could to not burst into laughter.  
> “Oh, did you also need paper towels?”  
> He ogled at me, eyes darting to me and then the trash, now full of unused paper towels. I turned and rescued one from the trash. Good enough, I thought, handing it to him. He took it and wiped his hands. Now that I had his attention I couldn’t figure out what to say next. I remembered the joint.  
> “Come outside,” is what I decided on, taking it from behind my ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! It's chapter 3. I had fun writing this. Enjoy xoxo

It was the night of the meeting, Sonja was over. I didn’t tell her I was only going to this meeting to meet the most gorgeous boy I’d ever seen but I did tell her I was going and she commended my trying to be social.  
“I’m proud of you,” she said, watching me change my shirt twice from my bed.  
“Thank you,” I said, pulling on a white tee shirt and giving her a smile.  
“I love you.” She teased, smiling back.  
“I love you too.”  
It wasn’t complete bullshit. I do still love her. She’s like the physical incarnation of that little voice in the back of your head that tells you to not jump. Only nicer.  
“You look fine,” she whispered, pulling me in for a hug, “You’re not going to have an issue making friends. Trust me. With that smile? They’re gonna love you.”  
I kissed the top of her head and held her close. “Thank you, honey.”  
She pulled me by my waist then, backing up until her back hit the post of my bed. She twisted her hand in my shirt and pulled me in for a deep kiss. I let her and I tried to kiss back with the same amount of passion but I worried she could feel that I was trying. Once upon a time I wouldn’t have to think while kissing her. She pulled back and I got caught up looking into her eyes. The same ones that had seen all the madness behind mine and still held that want for me. Maybe I was hurting her by staying with her. I can’t tell if I do still love her the same or if I’m just so goddamn thankful that I had her around. Have her around?  
“What’s going on behind those baby blues?” She asked, reaching up to run her fingertip along my cheek.  
“Nothing.” I said, pecking her again lightly on the lips. “Weren’t you telling me about work? Something about your flirty boss?”  
She sighed and rolled her eyes. “God, he’s awful.”  
“I’m really gonna have it out for this guy with all these stories.”  
I let her tell me about work and about some pregame that she was planning with some of her friends from work. I watched her speak but really I was thinking about all our memories. I was filing them in my brain. It was like I had a need to categorize them, it was like my brain was ready to file them away. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to put them away.  
Maybe this guy would turn out to be nothing but a friend. I need some of those. It was good that I was getting out, ulterior motives or not. Was I doing this for me? Yes. Was it making me happy? To be decided.  
\--

When I got to the meeting, I found Vilde standing with Eva and Sana. I think I chatted with them, saying something about being excited. I remember rolls and I remember making eye contact with my reason for being here, the boy and not much else. Disassociation, sister of Anxiety, tends to make your spirit escape outside of your body. I do remember my heart pounding out of my chest as I walked up the steps to sit behind him. I remember glancing down at him sitting in front of me and me trying not to fiddle with my clothes, stuffing my hand in my pockets as we stood to start some sort of bonding activity. That’s when I rushed down to join, trying way too hard to act casual. Only when we started I realized that he wasn’t even there.  
I spent the whole activity thinking of some great one-liner I could use to impress this guy. I had a plan. Somewhat. I had something I thought he would want. Being new in school had its perks and one of those was apparently new friends offering you drugs. New partner in your film class? He’s gonna offer to hook you up apparently. Cute boy you wanna impress? Drugs. I’m not a good influence, I know. But I think you’ve probably figured that out by now. For those who are keeping track, that’s two rules broken now.  
I smoked quite a bit before the whole let’s have a breakdown thing commenced. My friends hadn’t really been that into it, because apparently Allah isn’t down with the green stuff. I’d hung out with some other guys from school and they’d taught me all the how-to’s of dope and how to roll a really tight blunt so I was set. Smoking helped somewhat even if now it wasn’t the best idea. It counteracted my meds. I hadn’t smoked anything besides cigarettes since before “The Event” so my plan wasn’t the most responsible. I’d snuck a blunt gently into my jean jacket pocket to hide it from Sonja before leaving home, only to tuck it behind my ear as I walked to the meeting. All the guys in the movies always looked so cool with their smokes tucked behind their ear and if I’m being honest, I’m a sucker for a good aesthetic and I was hoping this guy would be a Leonardo fan too.  
When the routine name-game activity was over and the girls announced a break, I followed a hunch and went up the stairs to the second floor restrooms. If I was wrong and he wasn’t there then I could take the moment to collect myself before I went off to try and find him. If I was right, I didn’t know what to do but at least I could start to trust my intuition again. I walked in to find one stall closed, the sounds of some game echoing against the tiled walls. I was right, wow. I decided to wash my hands and wait for something to come to me. He came out then, glancing at me before washing his hands too. When I went to dry my hands I got the urge to just keep taking out paper towels. He stopped, watching me like the lunatic that I am. Impulse control isn’t one of the strong suits of this disorder. After the dispenser was empty, I looked up. I tried my best for dumbfounded, doing everything I could to not burst into laughter.  
“Oh, did you also need paper towels?”  
He ogled at me, eyes darting to me and then the trash, now full of unused paper towels. I turned and rescued one from the trash. Good enough, I thought, handing it to him. He took it and wiped his hands. Now that I had his attention I couldn’t figure out what to say next. I remembered the joint.  
“Come outside,” is what I decided on, taking it from behind my ear.  
He followed. So I guess I wasn’t completely over-confident. I picked the right bait at least. I decided on a nearby bench and climbed up to sit with my feet on the seat. Because hey why not try to act cool when trying to impress your crush whose name you don’t even know? I lit the joint and took a drag. It felt damn good. My nerves started to relax and I felt like I could breathe. My heart had been pounding since I got here. I handed it over. He took it carefully, climbing up to sit beside me. I watched him take a drag and exhale. And to think I thought he couldn’t look any more beautiful. He kept his gaze down so I figured I’d try small talk.  
“Do you know the group leader?” Because letting him know I knew Vilde by name seemed too stalker of me even though I definitely felt like one.  
“Vilde?” he said with a small chuckle, “With the ‘love’ exercise?”  
“What was that?” I asked, shaking my head.  
“No, I mean…” He said, explaining, “I had to leave, I just couldn’t deal with that stuff. What happened?”  
My turn to take the bait.  
“She made us walk around, uh…” I said, making it up as I went on, “And feel each other up in a dark room. And if you touched a dick…” Did I just say dick? The eyebrow he just cocked at me says yes. “You had to suck it.”  
I watched for his response.  
“No?!” he said, in disbelief.  
“No.” I admitted, chuckling. I couldn’t believe his face. He laughed, covering his mouth with his hand. He coughed lightly, letting out smoke.  
He looked down and I realized he didn’t have the mask on. He looked like he had something on his mind. I wondered why he didn’t try to hide it around me though, when he hid it around what looked like his closest friends. He handed the joint back to me and I took a drag, looking out across the campus. It was quiet, nice really compared to the bubbling crowd that was usually there. I glanced over at him.  
“What class are you in?” he said, looking out.  
“3STB.” I answered.  
“But…” I could see him trying to do the math in this head, “you didn’t go here last year?”  
I shook my head, inhaling. “No, Bakka.”  
“You transferred for your final year?” he asked, puzzled.  
I was beginning to feel embarrassed as I watched him take another hit. He was probably wondering what kind of person transfers schools last minute as someone came towards us. She was a small thing, with short brown hair and simple features.  
“So this is where you are.” she said, looking to Isak.  
I tried to seem unaffected, but in all reality I was suddenly hit with a wave of jealousy like I never felt before. It swelled in my stomach and rose to my throat and burned hot like venom.  
Isak handed me back the joint. I took it back and flicked it with a little too much attitude. Hopefully they didn’t notice. Wait. I remembered her from before. She stopped to talk to Isak at the start of the meeting when I’d been trying to remember how to breathe. Did I really forget her that quickly?  
“Hey,” she started again.  
“Hi,” Isak responded.  
“We’re in the process of grouping up and we’ll have to be in pairs.” Isak tightened beside me, the mask coming on. “And we’ll have to be in pairs.”  
I glanced at her. She kept talking.  
“And I really don’t know… A lot of people. Or, I mean, I know Maria. But she’s with Lea. So I was wondering if you wanted to pair up with me?”  
Oh wow. I threw this poor guy a fucking life preserver because he was drowning.  
I bumped my shoulder into his and said, “I thought we were in a group together?”  
He turned to me, thinking for a moment before responding with a “Yeah, I had…” He looked really cute with his eyebrows all furred together like that. “Kind of agreed to be in a group together with…” He pulled back, coughing, “In a group together with…”  
Shit, that’s my cue. I stuck out my hand.  
“Even.”  
“Nice to meet you.” She said, taking my hand.  
She looked disappointed. He seemed to notice too.  
“I’m sure we could be three...” she started.  
He was quiet.  
“I think… She said to be in pairs, but I don’t care.” I said, offering him an out again.  
“Yeah,” he agreed, “it did seem like Vilde was really clear on it having to be pairs. Two, two, two…” he mouthed as he motioned with two fingers going down the line.  
She seemed like she was about to cry. Gosh and I thought I was a mess.  
“But, Jesus Christ, we could just ask…” he added, taking in her expression.  
“Yeah. Okay.” She said, shaking her head as if she didn’t really care about this. “But… Yeah. Okay. We’ll do that then.” She continued as she climbed up on the bench beside the boy whose name I still didn’t know. “We’ll do that. Yeah.” He added. “I’m sure it’ll be okay.” I offered.  
His hand raised to his lips, thumb rubbing nervously against those lips of his. I offered him the joint again. “Hm? Me?” he asked quietly, starting to take it and then hesitating, suddenly uncomfortable. “Nah… I’ve had enough.” He said, fiddling with his hands.  
“Could I have a drag?” Emma asked. I reached my arm across his lap without responding and let her take it clumsily from my hand.  
This was awkward. I couldn’t take it any longer. I stood up on the bench and hopped down. I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I handed it to the boy, “Here, why don’t we exchange numbers? That way we can stay in touch.” Also so I can know your name already.  
He took it and typed in his name and number. He handed it back politely.  
Isak Valtersen  
“Thanks,” I said, smiling maybe a little much.  
His eyes looked into mine, thinking still. Trying to figure me out I think. I clicked save and add a new contact again and handed it begrudgingly to Emma. She smiled and typed in hers as well. She returned my phone and I shoved it in my back pocket.  
“Well, Emma,” I swallowed or tried to, “Isak, I’ll catch you both later.”  
He smiled and nodded towards me. I’m not really sure what Emma did because I’d turned and headed toward the original meeting spot. I found Sana standing in alone in front of the bleachers watching as pairs of people discussed loudly. I came up to her.  
“Halla,” I said.  
She smiled, “Halla, did you find a partner?”  
“Yeah two actually. Isak and Emma. Do you think Vilde will mind a group of three?”  
“Nei,” Sana replied, pointing her out to me in the crowd. Vilde had a big shining smile on her face as she checked on each pair.  
Sana and I exchanged smiles and I headed out for the night. I stopped to check my phone under a streetlight halfway home. The air was cool and clear. I looked at his contact on my phone and smiled.  
Text Message: Isak Valtersen  
Even: Hey, it’s Even. Talk soon  
I watched the message pop up. Delivered.  
“Isak Valtersen” I whispered to no one and headed home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings:  
> Bipolar disorder, mental illness, suicide, suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, hospital, anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, strong language, self-deprecating humor, low self esteem and some others. I know it's a lot haha. But Even has a sense of humor about himself and I hope that comes across.
> 
> This is the first chapter and if it gets good feedback, I'll post the rest! Thanks for reading xoxo


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